Matzo Ball of Nerves

I have so much running through my head that it's hard to get it all down on paper... or computer... but I'm gonna try.

First, I'm sorry for not posting more. Things have been hectic and every time I go to write something, I lose my train of thought only to come back to the screen and think 'who the hell would want to read this?!?!' So, I delete what I spent 20 minutes writing and move on with my day.

Second, I have to admit something - I'm nervous. There is literally SO MUCH going on that I'm feeling slightly overwhelmed and completely unmotivated. What's going on? Well, Craig has A CRAP LOAD of school work that keeps piling up and at the WORST time, too! He has about a month left until he's done with university and then he has another month of finals. Plus he has work. Then there's me... I start my day job again on Sunday. I've been gone for four months and I feel like I'm going to be so displaced and disoriented that I'm going to hate my first day back at work.

Did I mention my first day is also my first Mother's Day as a Mom?

...and it's Craig's birthday.

I'm feeling guilty and I'm filled with anxiety - all the things Amber Rosenberg warned me I would likely feel. (Amber's a really awesome life coach that works her magic with mommies like me - ambitious, enthusiastic, career-oriented, and guilt ridden that we are all three of those things.) Yet, staying at home is not an option because we can't afford it. Plus, I like having something to go to every day.

Still, I spent the week being both excited and nervous for next week. What a lovely way to spend my last week off-the-job and on maternity leave... I wasted it worrying about a job I'm going back to next week. Anyway, I also spent a few minutes crying today because I don't get to hold or cuddle with Yoav as often as I like. He's been really clingy today and I really enjoy it. It makes me sad that I haven't been able to do it more.

Now, add hormones into this mix and you'll have a recipe for one f*cked up new mommy. Someone pass me a cocktail... please?

To add insult to injury, little man has developed a new habit of crying for his pacifier in the middle of the night... multiple times. This leads to me getting up, giving it to him, and crashing in his room because I'd rather walk three steps to his crib than get out of my bed and wobble over to the next room 8 different times.

I'm a ball of nerves. I'm a matzo ball of nerves - slightly messy, soft to the touch, and easily broken into pieces. Yup, I'm definitely a matzo ball of nerves. I'm not so open about my feelings, I've been keeping them bottled inside for a few weeks - it's easier to let Craig vent than to add to his frustrations with my mess. But this matzo ball is over cooked...so there's my rant.

Deeeelicous!

I will say this: I am SO GRATEFUL for today and Yoav's clingy-ness. I needed it.