Freaked Out and Pregnant!

I'm terrified.

I'll start with that.

I'm down right petrified of being a mother. I'm not so worried that I will screw up the kid (let's face it, that's inevitable...) but I'm scared that I'll end up one of those mothers who can't make ends meet. I want to be more like my grandmother and put my needs and wants aside so I can put all my efforts into my child... but that's not likely to happen. I want to be an educated, smart, savvy, and well rounded mother. The problem? I don't feel so educated, smart, savvy, or well rounded right now.

I feel behind in everything.

I went to college at age 26, walked down the graduation aisle at age 30, and will likely start my Master's program at age 31... after having the baby.

I know what I want to study. I don't want to get an MBA or JD - I don't need that kind of fancy degree just to make money. My purpose in life isn't really to make money even though I have a feeling I'll do it anyway. I want to study the Holocaust. There, I said it. I want to educate people on the experiences of the dead. I want to tell the untold stories. I want my grandparents to sleep well at night knowing they raised another generation that will live to tell their tales. I want my son to know where he came from. I just feel like I started a little late... on the academic part.

I've been studying the Holocaust since I can remember. Every year on Yom HaShoah (Israel's Holocaust Memorial Day), when the sirens go off and I'm standing silent for a minute - I weep. No one else in my office does but I do. With four grandparents who fought bravely for their survival, it's instinctual. I just weep.

It's no surprise that I'm more interested in reading other people's survival stories than reading books about parenting... hence why I feel left behind.

So, I'm freaked out. I'm petrified. My sister keeps telling me this is normal but it doesn't feel normal for me. I also worry about money... BIG TIME. The cost for the bris alone makes me want to rip out my hair! We started researching baby stuff. Everything will now be classified as 'baby stuff'. Car seat = baby stuff. Stroller = baby stuff. Baby clothes = baby stuff. Get the picture?? Baby stuff is expensive in Israel... no joke.

Whew, I feel a little better now...